I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. \n\nHe was chuffed to bits. \n\n\nI met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. \n\nHow cool is that at her age?! \n\n \nI went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop w*nking. When I asked why she said, \n\n"Because I'm trying to examine you!" \n\n \n\nI just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. \n\nI mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? \n\nWhen I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. \n\nTook her out with one punch. \n \n\nMy granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.\n\nI was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." \n\nHe replied, "No, just having a sh!t." \n\n \n\nDisabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. \n \n\nI was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. \n\nHow could anyone stoop so low? \n\n\nI was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. \nI shouted up to him, "What's up, won't it start?"