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314 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Haynes:Everyday Toolkit
Translation:AA Member card and Mobile Phone

Haynes:Weekly Checks:
Translation:If theres no funny noises,its OK!

Haynes:Routine Maintenance:
Translation:phone the main dealer and book it in!

Haynes:Wiring Diagram
Translation:The page that looks like a map of the Tokyo

Translation:You are going to hurt yourself!

Translation:Hammer a Screwdriver into...

Translation:Everything listed except what you are looking for!

Haynes:Refitting is a reversal of removal
Translation:But you swear in different places!

Haynes:Undo the Nut...
Translation;Yes,that spherical blob of rust.....

Haynes:With the aid of an assistant
Translation:prepare to show someone you have'nt got a ******

Haynes:Refer to Chapter 7
Translation:Remove the Dashboard assembly.....

Haynes:Support securely on Axle Stands
Translation: Decorative breeze blocks will not support a ton and a
half of car

Haynes: Depressurize the fuel system
Translation:Slacken the nut at arms length and look the other way

Haynes: Using a suitable size spanner

Haynes: Never sound the Horn when someone is under the
Translation:I'ts ****** funny though!

Haynes:Oil light illuminates with engine running-defective gauge
Translation:Its always much more serious

Haynes:It is possible to fabricate a suitable tool

Haynes:See picture 17.5
Translation:The one that looks nothing like what you have in your Hand

There are loads more,how about your translations.....

the voice of reason!!!
12,407 Posts

When attempting any job I always use the following to work out how long it will take.

1) Look in the manual for a guide to how long
2) Double it
3) Take the units of time to the next highest unit

Thus I allow 30 hours for a job which the manual tells me should take 15 minutes.

2,833 Posts
Basically, most of the stuff with the modern Rovers apart from changing the wiper blades tells you to take it to your local dealer.

Amazing isn't it, what would people do without good old Haynes to tell them to take their car to the dealer when it goes wrong???

aka Simon
579 Posts
Further translations

Haynes: Tighten to appropriate torque setting
Translation: Either it will later undo itself or fall off, or you'll break the stud as you overtighten it - it's your choice

Haynes: Apply a little copper-based grease
Translation: Which you could go and get at Halfords if only your car wasn't currently brakeless and on axle stands.

Haynes: And carefully lift the assembly clear
Translation: It will take three of you to pull it out of the rusted disaster zone

Ah, the happy days (and days, and nights, and more days) I spent under my Mk2 Golf...

521 Posts
What about the most infuriating, "Simply" remove, undo etc. - roughly translated to "your having a laugh if you think you that it's going to be that easy":( :(
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