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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Will start the ball rolling with this controversial one: :D

Sad news about beer.

You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong.
 

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little old lady

ok try this one but it is better when spoken !


They was a little old lady at the supermarket doing her weekly shopping, when she get's her grocerys to the till she see's a attractive young man packing the bags.

After packing he packed her bags the old lady asked him if he would be so kind as to take her shopping out to her car.

Half way across the car park she makes her move on him she leans across his shoulder and say's " Iv'e got a ichy pussy"

To which he replies " sorry madam you will have to show me, all those japanese cars look the same ";)
 

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A slightly better beer theory

The Buffalo Theory

I have not heard anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin on Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as

fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is these

lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural

selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and

health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the

weakest members.



In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the

slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain

cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells

first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker

brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's

why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
:D
 

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Former ZT-T 260 owner
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Top ten

How about this one:

TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
 

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them

why all the jokes about women :D :D :D :D



A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together.
They add up their life savings into a total of £200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants £200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about £199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has £1.00 left for the telegram.
The telegram guy says, "It's £1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says
"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.

"Yes, you see she reads slow."
 

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the voice of reason!!!
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Doctor

A man goes to see his doctor and says " I've got this terrible wind problem, I can't seem to stop, every few seconds, but at least it doesn't smell and they are silent"
The doctor just sits there and writes out a prescription.
"Take these every day and see me next week"
The next week the man returns to the doctors and says "Doctor. I don't know what was in those pills but I've been making an awful smell"
The doctor smiles "Good, thats your sinuses sorted, now to get your hearing seen to".
 

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True Brit
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OK here's one for you then.

A very hard up man decides he wants sex with a prostitute, but he only has 50p on him. He goes up to the first prostitute who is quite nice and asks "What'll you give me for 50p?", she says "Sorry Darling you won't get much for 50p, I think you'll have to lower your sights a bit!"
So he goes up to one a bit older and not quite so attractive and asks the same question and gets pretty much the same answer.
Goes up to the next who is quite old and ugly, same thing "You won't get much for 50p deary!"
Anyway he's out with his wife and goes for a cup of tea in a cafe, and he meets one of the prostitutes from the night before. She comes up to him and says "Told you, you wouldn't get much for 50p!"
 

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Titled 'Woman Drivers' - my revenge for the last post !!

Driving to the office this morning on the M1 , I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a brand new *** doing 85 MPH per hour
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the
damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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Heh heh. And who says that men can't multi-task!

S.
 

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Well he can't multi task very well because he dropped everything :D
 

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That's true - see an MG and you'll drop everything because they look so good :D
 

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one for the ladies

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
 
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Essex Girl Joke

An Essex girl was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang.

It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl. "There's fu*king hundreds of them!!!"
 

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Quasimodo goes home to his wife and says "whats for tea I am starving"
"I've been ringing the bells all day".
"Weddings, christenings, funerals, choir practice. You would not beleive how many times I have been up and down in that belfry"
Mrs Quasimodo gets out the Wok
Quasimodo says "Oh goody Chinese"
Mrs Quasimodo says "nope I am just ironing your shirt for tomorrow"
 
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Anothe ESSEX girl joke

Essex girl is involved in a car crash.

Paramedic arives and asks how she is, she seems a bit confused. So the paramedic thinks she may have concusion and asks her how many fingers has he got up.
Essex girl goes mad, screaming that she is paralized.........
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Bad Joke

Cliff Richard, Chubby Brown & Gary Glitter on a plane that is about to crash.
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Cliff says - save the children
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Chubby says - fk the children
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Gary says - have we got time!
 
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